Parenting in New Zealand: What Moving Countries Taught Me About Letting Go

One of the quiet surprises of moving from California to New Zealand wasn’t the landscape, the accents, or even the pace of life. It was parenting.

Back in California, I worked in schools for years, as a speech therapist assistant in elementary, middle, and high schools. I knew the systems. I knew the drills. Earthquakes. Lockdowns. Active shooters. They were part of the job, part of the background noise of American education.

Here in New Zealand, the background noise is… laughter.

Childhood Looks Different Here

Most afternoons, I watch my kids spill out of school barefoot or grass-stained, climbing trees out front, jumping from branches, daring each other to go a little higher. No whistles. No adults shouting warnings. No fences topped with wire that make schools feel like fortified zones.

Kids here are trusted to test their limits.

Scraped knees aren’t emergencies. Muddy clothes aren’t failures. Getting hurt, brushing it off, and trying again is just part of growing up.

At first, that level of freedom made me uncomfortable. That discomfort didn’t come from New Zealand, it came from me.

Safety, Trust, and an American Nervous System

In the U.S., hyper-vigilance becomes second nature. I once lived through a real school lockdown, not a drill. The announcement crackled over the speaker: “This is not a drill.”

I barricaded the door. Pulled children to the floor. Stretched myself over them, thinking, This could be it.

Nothing happened in the end. We were lucky. But that kind of fear doesn’t leave your body easily. It settles into your muscles. Your parenting. Your worldview.

So when I arrived in New Zealand and saw unlocked school gates, open playgrounds on weekends, and parents casually chatting while kids disappeared into tree lines, I didn’t feel carefree.

I felt exposed.

And Then I Watched My Kids Thrive

What I didn’t expect was how quickly my children adapted.

After years of homeschooling during COVID, I worried they’d struggle socially. Instead, they flourished. They made friends fast. They felt included. My son told me cliques didn’t seem to matter the same way here.

School camps were another leap of faith. Entire year groups heading off together for days—confidence courses, night games, bush hikes. I volunteered the first time because I needed to see it.

What I saw was resilience.

Kids running through dark tunnels, building things that fell apart, getting back up without panic. Adults nearby, but not hovering. The prevailing attitude: She’ll be right.

And it was.

The Number 8 Wire Way

New Zealanders talk a lot about the “number 8 wire mentality”, the idea that if you don’t have the perfect tools, you improvise. You solve problems with what’s in front of you.

That mindset shows up everywhere, especially in how children are raised.

Mistakes aren’t catastrophes. Failure isn’t shameful. Trying again matters more than getting it right the first time.

My kids are absorbing that without being taught explicitly. They see it in classrooms, on sports fields, at camps, and in community spaces like libraries and marae. They’re growing up surrounded by people who fix, adapt, and carry on, without ego.

And slowly, so am I.

Letting Go (A Little at a Time)

I still worry. I don’t think that ever fully disappears. But the constant tension I carried in California, the sense that danger was always just outside the door, has softened.

I’ve noticed my hands unclenching.

I intervene less. I trust more. I let my kids solve problems that I would have rushed to fix back home. Not because I care less, but because I’ve learned that independence grows in space, not control.

This Is Why We Came

New Zealand isn’t perfect. No place is. But here, childhood feels lighter.

Schoolyards are open, not fortified. Kids come home with stories of adventures, not fear. And parenting feels less like guarding against catastrophe and more like guiding growth.

California gave me roots. New Zealand is giving my children room.

And that difference has changed all of us.

Reach out :

This post reflects just one chapter of our family’s journey from California to New Zealand. In my book, I go much deeper into the moments that shaped us, the fear we left behind, and the freedom we found.

If this resonates with you, I’d love for you to read the full story.

I also work with individuals and families who are exploring a move to New Zealand. While I am not a licensed immigration adviser, I consult on the practical, real-world side of relocating and partner with a reputable company of licensed advisers who can handle visa matters.

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Looking forward to helping you plan your move to New Zealand 🇳🇿